AREA BANKER'S HEAD EXPLODES
In an unprecedented medical event, area banker Alan Jefferson was the first human being to have a Spontaneous Cerebral Cataclysm, more commonly known as "his head exploded." It happened when the last square of the Super Bowl pool board was sold and he hit “send” on his email.
Fellow Rotarian and host Rob Foy was standing next to Jefferson when it occurred. "He let out a yell that the squares were set and then 'poof'', his head was just…gone. Nothing left but the smoking stump of his neck. I expected to get stuff on me, but there was nothing in there but used ticket stubs from the University of Maryland. Sort of like confetti. Actually, it was kind of festive, like New Year's."
Another witness, Darrell Nevin was almost unable to respond, just shaking his head and muttering "Just like we thought. Nothing but Terp tickets..."
Associates had long awaited this event, figuring it would happen when Maryland won the National Championship a few years back or when a Rotary meeting ran over by a whole 2 minutes.
Hostess Anne Marie Foy was last seen on the phone negotiating with the Hazmat Unit to help clean up the mess. Rumors of help from FEMA have not been confirmed.
"I'm sure we are going to miss him. We’ll be hours getting over this,” offered Ken Solow. "Of course, the biggest loss is that we'll have to get someone else to run the pool next year. Is Jimmy the Greek still dead?"
Jefferson is survived by his wife Mary who, when reached by phone responded "Alan who?" His children were unavailable for comment as they were arguing over what to do with the money they made on ebay selling his Grateful Dead memorabilia. Amanda wants to invest it. David wants to just spend the entire $15.
The banking industry is trying to assess their loss. H. Farnsworth Debit, noted banking folklorist, predicts that the industry will slide into chaos. "Alan Jefferson's contribution to competitive banking sales cannot be overestimated," he said, "Bankers will no longer be able to close the deal by saying 'Well, at least I'm not Alan Jefferson'." Sundry Springs Bank will be draping a couple of ATM's in black for several minutes in honor of their lost employee.
Bank plans for a memorial service are being delayed while an expense account issue is investigated. It appears that Mr. Jefferson made up to 200 separate $100 withdrawals from various accounts over the last week, leaving behind cryptic notes such as "Board B: Saints 4, Colts 8." A bank representative refused comment, other than to say she was sure he did it.
In a related story, The Rotary Club of Columbia Patuxent raised over $13,000 for local charities. Mr. Jefferson would be very proud, if he were still in possession of his head.